Signs of a Toxic Person...
You may have seen them in films or read about them in books, we each have our idea of what evil looks like... You may believe you know what a toxic person is like, but what if evil was more intelligent?
Most people walking this planet have beautiful Souls, you may even refer to a few as Earth Angles!
Sadly there is a percentage of people who have been hurt in some way. I believe during their childhood they experienced some form of trauma and left really insecure. Sadly these people have a wound of abandonment, guilt or shame or a mixture of each.
Is it likely you have a similar wound?
So why if we have similar wounds do we behave differently?
I watched an interview a while ago, Oprah was promoting her programme on childhood trauma. She said she was interviewing a psychotherapist and asked him why two people can go through a similar experience but their lives are completely different. He told her it was due to the people they were surrounded by; these people were able to offer them a support network, who were able to show the child how to thrive not just survive.
Perhaps our vibration attracts them; seeing the broken inner child blinds us, and the inner healer wants to help them heal. If you do see any evil leaking out of them you overlook it, even excused it.
Are they evil or just broken?
I believe their damaged inner child doesn't know how to love or how to receive love.
You may find they push you out of the way to get the attention they need.
They use people, like vampires they suck the life out of them until there is nothing left, then they discarding them without a second glance.
1. RED FLAGS
Your inner guidance system which is as old of the universe will pick up something isn't quite right... Listen to it! DO NOT IGNORE IT! You may see or hear odd behaviour, something doesn't feel right, it doesn't fit with your reality or life or beliefs, you may override these, brushing them off as these people are so good to you. If something doesn't feel right that is because it isn't!
2. BLAME SHIFTING
Never taking responsibility for their actions or the role they played. They play the VICTIM and minimise others feelings. They take everything out of context and manipulate it until it fits their purpose. They use circular conversations to confuse you; you believe you have a problem sorted by they resurrect it again, and again, and again... They also use guilt-tripping and pity stories.
3. LYING, HALF-TRUTHS and WITHHOLDING INFORMATION
Research has shown we all lie in one form or another, but THIS form of lying is more calculated and harming. You may have told a lie to protect someone's feelings, perhaps about what they are wearing or a new hairstyle, PATHOLOGICAL LYING is where someone lies to gain control over another person, and this is because relationships are games to them. They use LYING as a MASK presenting a false image of themselves. They may tell HALF-TRUTHS, to cover up cheating, alcoholism, drug use and sometimes various illegal activities. AND they believe these lies themselves. They intentionally withhold information, challenged or caught out you may hear “but I didn’t lie", no they didn't verbally lie, but withholding information is lying...
4. CRAZY EX
If you start dating someone and they start to talk about their exes far more than any healthy individual should take that as a RED FLAG. They may tell you that you are the only person who has fully understood them (RED FLAG) and that you are Soul Mates. Once they secure you in a relationship they tell you the stories about their CRAZY EX. They might have been subjected to bipolar or CRAZY MAKING behaviour during and after the relationship. They may tell stories of their EX being bitter, jealous or still in love with them. It is not normal for someone to have attracted so many CRAZY relationships and with them being the common thread. Is it possible they are the reason for the craziness? There is actually ANOTHER reason for this; as they are hooking you into the relationship, you are telling anyone who will listen, how amazing they are, they are feeding you with the information you will need to stay in the relationship. They are telling you why the relationship with (insert name) ended, you make a note never to (insert reason) behave this way if you want to keep the relationship.
5. CRAZY MAKING
Their words and behaviour are used to question yourself, leaving you full of self-doubt, wondering if you might be going CRAZY. It is a form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE, involving mind games. It erodes your confidence, slowly allowing the other person to gain more POWER and CONTROL over you and the relationship. You may question your sanity and find yourself becoming more emotional, needy or dependent on this person. You may find yourself playing DETECTIVE. Their mask is slipping, you may no longer be a good supply of attention and they become careless. Your INTUITION is kicking in. Their words and actions are not matching up. You know something isn’t right, but you don’t know what it is. If you find yourself looking for answers or information, feeling so insecure something you have never felt before, ask yourself why... Normally you are a trusting and rational person, but something inside clicks and you become a super sleuth. Looking for evidence to validate the feelings rather than trusting your Gut and walking away.
6. PITY PARTY and CROCODILE TEARS
They are masters of manipulation, they meticulously plan everything. Just like the stories of their Crazy Exes, they have many stories of a bad childhood they relay when they are craving attention. And at the drop of a hat can turn on the tears.
7. FUTURE FAKING
You have so much in common, why did you not meet this person sooner? How have you been walking similar paths and they have never crossed? You start creating a future together. Sadly nothing about this FUTURE will be real, but the stories around it will be so believable. They have listened to every word that left your lips; to your hopes and dreams and they put on the MASK of your perfect partner. They intertwine just enough for you to believe they are as invested in the relationship as you are and you start planning your future together. Or as they are all thieves they may steal your dreams for their own. When you are no longer of any use they walk away without a backward glance leaving you crushed and confused.
8. THERE'S A PATTERN
You may not see it until you are out of the relationship but there is a pattern of behaviour. It is the ongoing rotation of destructive behaviour used to gain power and control of you and your life.
The cycle has three stages 1. IDEALISATION • This technique also known as the LOVE BOMBING stage. At the very beginning of the relationship, everything you say and do is being watched and noted. You are swept off your feet with compliments, gifts, days out, meals out, your every need was catered for and this was deliberate. Text messages early in the morning ensured they were the first thing you thought about and at the end of the day, you went to bed thinking about them. It allows them to manufacture a relationship where you have so much in common; share the same hopes and dreams and have the same insecurities. You are told that no one has ever understood them the way you do and you are SOULMATES. 2. DEVALUATION • During this stage, they check you are more interested in protecting the relationship than you are in protecting yourself and they do this by making comments about your intelligence or your abilities and your dreams. If you question this, you are perhaps over-sensitive, or they were only joking! And these subtle put-downs, followed by some IDEALISATION, change the chemical reaction in the brain. You become addicted, it is like a drug and you override your INTUITION to keep the supply. 3. DISCARD • During this stage you might experience them withdrawing from you. They may not be as available as they were and this pattern can continue for while; each time they phone, text, become more present in the relationship, they are hooking you back up to your drug of choice and confirming you are the love of their life and you are their Soulmate. It might be during this stage you turn detective, when they have had enough they become sloppy. Perhaps they have drained you of your money - you can no longer support them in the way you did, or you have no energy left for them let alone yourself. They might have found a new source of supply and attention (because in the truth, this is what you have been to them). You are no longer fit for purpose! They might suggest you are bipolar, and you might wonder if that is true, but think back to the time before you met this person and I would bet you were a normally functioning person in society. In fact, look back at the person you were before you met them. If you feel you do have a mental health condition please go and seek help! Like you, they have poisoned and brainwash everyone else in their lives; the stories they made up about the other people they are possibly now telling the same ones about you. DO NOT FEEL HUMILIATED or STUPID, in Dirty John (Netflix) Debra Newalls lawyer says to her, 'when a bank gets robbed you don't blame the bank'... DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!
9. YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE
How do you get hooked on this drug? We develop bonds for survival in childhood, usually with our caregiver which is the foundation of attachment. When our safety is threatened in some way, we turn to our caregiver for support and protection. During the IDEALISATION AND DEVALUATION, stages they are seeking power and control. They create trauma, threatening your safety. They position themselves as the caregiver via the gifts and attention you may never have experienced before, this is the manufactured love. When they threaten your safety through THEIR behaviour, you don't turn away from them, as you think you would, you turn to them for protection which leads to TRAUMA BONDING. You rationalise their behaviour as you believe they care about you, creating further bonding. This is the reason you are so connected to them and when the relationship finishes, you find it difficult imagining life without them. They may use GHOSTING as a technique, you might experience them withdrawing from you. They may not be as available as they once were and this pattern can repeat; each time they phone, text, or become more present in the relationship, they are hooking you back up to your drug of choice. GASLIGHTING is another technique they use, making you believe something is wrong with you. Gaslighting is really dangerous, creating the feelings of Insecurity • Confusion • Brain Fog • Self-doubt • Fear • Not Good Enough • Feeling Vulnerable • Powerless. And instead of turning away you turn to them...
10. LONELINESS and ISOLATION
You may start to feel isolated and lonely, they believe you are their possession and resent ANY time you spend with others and the importance you put on OTHER relationships including your children. Do you remember when you first met them? Do you remember telling everyone how amazing they are? You shared it with the world... When you noticed the RED FLAGS you ignored them or you were given a good reason why you would think that way or believe a person... You get isolated as THEY cannot take the risk of you confiding in anyone else and being UNMASKED. YOU may ISOLATE yourself, finding this amazing creature who has walked into your life, who you want to spend as much time with them as possible. Or you may ISOLATE yourself because part of you knows if you do tell people what is happening in the relationship, they will confirm your FEARS, that this isn't a healthy relationship; you are hooked on your drug of choice and you can't give it up. Even though in the relationship you feel lonely.
11. MORE LIES and NO RESPONSIBILITY
They aren't able to take any responsibility for the pain they cause. They will start to blame shift, to excuse their behaviour as soon as they realise they are going to be caught out. They might turn the conversation to the action they took was because... or if you hadn't done or said something they wouldn't have.... confusing you further. They may start to deploy their FLYING MONKEYS, telling them of the stories of your behaviour.
12. RAGE AND INJURY
They behave in such a selfish way, with a sense of importance, and an insatiable need for admiration, wealth, power or fame. They lack empathy and consideration toward others, feeling entitled to special treatment, they are easily offended, and readily hold grudges. They behave like children in an adults body, unable to take responsibility for any of their actions, and anyone who disagrees with them or their unreasonable expectations might be subjected to their RAGE.
Unmet needs of the child meant they were unable to master critical emotional development. There are 7 levels of anger but their RAGE goes from 0-7 in an instant if they perceive any threat to their fragile sense of self. Anything they perceive as a threat to their 'false-self' is considered an INJURY. This injury is taken as serious criticism, total rejection or a threat to their very existence; the response is swift, intense and out of proportion.
There are two types of RAGE explosive or passive-aggressive. The explosive rages are aggressive outbursts which may be verbal or physical. With the passive-aggressive rages, they withdraw into sulky silent treatment as a means of punishment.